Eyes wide open, naked as we came.

Woke up to your son playing the piano. There's still music in your home.

Mon, 28 May 2012 14:19:01 -0400

On this memorial day we honor you and miss you. Things will never be the same. 16 days…

16 days since my uncle left this world.

Mon, 28 May 2012 13:56:27 -0400

Not a minute goes by that he is not with me.

Be better. Do better.

Photo

Sun, 27 May 2012 17:36:48 -0400

Rest in Peace my sweet, sweet uncle.

Wed, 23 May 2012 00:19:02 -0400

More to come…

I am SICK of house-hunting...

Fri, 11 May 2012 21:41:21 -0400

Something always goes wrong. My sister and I have spent the better part of the last 2 months looking for a place to move everyone into (minus my dad) and nothing is working out. The first place we really liked wouldn’t even consider our application because of our pups, the second place wouldn’t consider us because our realtor gave them the wrong information about the number of occupants in the house (it wasn’t her fault, we forgot to tell her) and then THIS place… was perfect. I even spent extra time and effort and wrote a beautiful cover letter and the VERY DAY that we turned the application in, our realtor calls to inform us that the homeowners have decided to take the house off of the market and are not renting it out to anyone. So… I’ve just spent the last four days filling out paperwork, getting everything in order (W2s and pay stubs and military orders, driver’s licenses, etc.) and sending it all out just to be let down AGAIN.

…

Help.

I have this idea...

Thu, 10 May 2012 01:10:16 -0400

For a documentary film that I would really like to bring to fruition. The problem is I know nothing about filmmaking except for the multimedia class I took in middle school and the computer graphics course I took in high school… and the fact that I really, really love films. All kinds of ‘em.

Is it sad?

Tue, 08 May 2012 00:45:19 -0400

That I compare every single guy I talk to with the only person I’ve ever truly felt a connection with? I mean, I can’t even have a conversation without thinking of how boring it is and how uninterested I am and how every single conversation I had with this one person made me a little more whole and how much I miss it and… it’s sad, isn’t it?

I’m doomed. I’ll just… be alone forever.

My Life is... (WARNING-- HIGHLY PERSONAL)

Thu, 03 May 2012 01:31:00 -0400

My life is… complicated. My parents are “getting a divorce” (quotations will be explained later) and it’s true what they say, that now matter how old you are, your parents splitting up will always be hard. And confusing. And sad. Let’s get a few things clear first… my mother is the most hardworking woman I have ever known. My father has been unemployed for almost 2 years now. He sits at home all day and watches TV. I know it is probably psychological, that he feels defeated, or that he is going through a stage of depression… but anyway. Since the beginning, my parents have always had problems in within their marriage. Poverty played a huge role in this, as well as feelings of insecurity, mistrust, etc.

These feelings have manifested into a vicious cycle. Every 5 months or so, my parents start having problems. My father rails at my mother for coming home late from work (and I’ve gone to her work, I KNOW she’s actually working), for spending too much time with her mother, gets upset that she doesn’t show him ‘affection’ (she hasn’t for years, but that’s a different story), etc. This then is somehow magnified by a fight which is mostly always about money (rent, an unpaid bill, yadda yadda yadda) and from there it turns into World War III. Old grievances are brought to the surface again, names are tossed back and forth… Usually at this point my father says something about how my mother was unfaithful (when in reality, HE has been unfaithful) and how my sister and I are not his children. This usually drives my mother up a wall. Last year she took it so far as to move out, and it was supposed to be for good, until my father lost his job and begged her to take him back. She felt bad and, voila. NOW, she’s done completely. She wants him to move out. The problem is… HE WON’T LEAVE. He says he has no place to go (he has his entire family, each with their own separate houses) and says we are his life. What he doesn’t understand thought is that it isn’t up to us. My mother doesn’t want to live with him anymore. He’s done horrible things in the past. Gambled all of our money away, been unfaithful, stolen, accused my mother of things she’s never done, etc. He needs to realize that he won’t be divorcing US, just her.

So, I’m left with a moral dilemma. How is it possible to have two completely conflicting feelings about something at the same exact time? How is it possible to know every SINGLE horrible, despicable thing my father has ever done, and still love him? How is it possible for one man to be so bad, but be a ‘loving’ (or close enough) father at the same time? Why can’t he be a man about this and just leave without manipulating our feelings and making us feel horribly guilty about something that is out of our hands? It’s a horrible situation…

A Few Tidbits:

I’ve started Keto. It’s pretty awesome, though I do miss chocolate, pizza, and fruit. (Basically the three elements that the Earth was created from) I cooked a delicious meal today and felt like my body was thanking me.
I am overly emotional and am crying writing this post right now.
The women and young girls in my family are almost all settled into happy relationships and I’m over here derping around. I pretend like it doesn’t matter, but I’m unhappy.
Seeing my parent’s relationship makes me very pessimistic when it comes to everlasting love, marriage, etc. And that sucks because I was once a crazy romantic.
I hate house-hunting. I’ve been doing it for weeks and it’s getting nowhere.
Realtors SUCK.
People who are renting out homes don’t like dogs in them.
I’m wearing a pretty dress.
I don’t know how I feel about Black Ops 2, but I do know I’m buying it.
I miss VCU at times like this. I miss not having to worry.
I need a second job.
I don’t care that every bullet on this list so far starts with ‘I’… but I kinda do.
CHICKEN GOOOOOOOOD
My hair is turning into quite the beauty. It’s this new Moroccan Oil shampoo/conditioner I’m using.
I don’t have a car and I need one.
I am sad… I hope things turn around soon.
People are dying and suffering worse than I am so I should be grateful.
Sometimes I hate this Godforsaken country.
That is all.

glowsticksanddiscolights: Fuck yeah.

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 01:53:35 -0400

glowsticksanddiscolights:

Fuck yeah.

ssdmmfr: Textile Artist: Lorenzo Nanni “ZERO” 52 cm x 86 cm,...

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 01:53:25 -0400

ssdmmfr:

Textile Artist:

Lorenzo Nanni

“ZERO”

52 cm x 86 cm, 2011

Akahito

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 01:41:44 -0400

Akahito

Peace and puppies

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 01:41:04 -0400

Peace and puppies

In bed, depressed on a Saturday night with nothing to do.

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 20:29:26 -0400

My friends won’t text me back. I have a feeling they’re all congregated somewhere having a party without me. Maybe watching French movies. I should go watch a movie, alone.

noswagjustclass: yess ghandi

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 19:05:43 -0400

noswagjustclass:

yess ghandi

My mother told me I could be a model then I said what kind of model then she said I didn’t say...

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 01:36:06 -0400

My mother told me I could be a model then I said what kind of model then she said I didn’t say model I said could you give me that bottle and I said OK

D'aww, thanks guys :)

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 00:13:47 -0400

enigmasalad replied to your post: This is Kinda Like a Diary Entry…

I hope things start playing out in your favor, sorry you’re going through a rough patch. Just remember: happy times don’t last forever, but also neither do the bad times. Hang in there most definitely. :)

block
swimmingundersoundwaves replied to your post: This is Kinda Like a Diary Entry…

Definitely with you on the first bullet. The second to last one is sad. I hope things get better/easier for you.

I think your blog is awesome and I would like to invite you to submit a post to my blog about chasing dreams. All you have to do is click on the sumbit button at the top of my page and then share a dream you have. You can write a personal dream you have for your life or something you want for the world. It can be in bullet-form or in sentences. It's a judge-free zone. Say whatever you like. THANKS!

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 00:07:25 -0400

Done!

This is Kinda Like a Diary Entry...

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 23:52:00 -0400

This is just an update on my life and the reasons why you all don’t see me on Tumblr much anymore! I know I know you all are waiting with bated breath so I’ll just get to it!

I’m in a weird place in my life right now. My friends and I, during our endless existential talks and coffee dates chalk it down to just… growing up. I think the transition from child > teen > adult is a HUGE, HUGE transformation, and often it goes by unnoticed and unacknowledged. Nobody stops you in the street and says, “hey, you look like you’re doing alright there, kid! Good job!” or maybe they do and I’m just living in a really weird town… Anyway, it’s not easy being from where I’m from and dealing with the things that I have to deal with, it’s not easy to juggle it all and still keep a brave face.

I’m working a lot, and I’m working hard. And most months, my paycheck is completely gone before I’ve even had the chance to save a penny, although I said that was the sole reason I was taking a break from school. I hadn’t anticipated my family’s finances going down the train, I hadn’t anticipated my father turning into a selfish bastard that I don’t even recognize, and I definitely hadn’t anticipated this upcoming divorce. I also don’t even know why I’m writing this all down, I guess Tumblr is a substitute for my therapist the past few weeks since I had to let her go :(

Being a first generation Afghan-American, actually BORN in America, it’s very difficult to come to terms with the responsibilities my sisters and I have as the only sane, responsible, and culturally acclimated people in our family. But it’s something we have to grin and bear in the end. Still, it is difficult coming to terms with the fact that I have to pay the bills, I have to handle the finances, I have to go house-hunting, I have to pay the taxes, and then in a couple of years, I GET TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN FOR MYSELF! YAY!

So a few little (or big depending on how you look at it) brain-clouds for your mind-sky to ponder over (yes I just said that with a semi-straight face):

I can’t write anything of substance. I write and it’s shit to me. And I re-write and it’s still shit. It may not be shit to someone else but I end up getting rid of it anyway. I know, it’s not good.
I want to get on a stage and perform so badly, but I’m not the place to do so right now.
Often times, I have family around me. But I miss my friends. I miss Richmond. And I feel lonely a lot of the time.
My sister’s puppy peed everywhere when he was a baby and it (along with anxiety and the seasons changing) brought up my asthma, which I haven’t had in like FIVE YEARS. SO THANKS, GOD! THANKS FOR THAT!
We’re looking for a new place but it seems like it’s never going to happen.
My father hijacked my (albeit shitty) car one day and just won’t give it back to me now. So I’m looking for a new car that I can’t afford and I have NO IDEA what I’m going to do once the divorce is final. I miss Winston. (That’s my car)
I hate every movie and every song that has come out into the collective consciousness of mainstream America recently. Except for The Hunger Games… I mean seriously, WHERE IS ART. WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES “WOBBLE WOBBLE WOBBLE WOBBLE WOBBLE WOBBLE” GIVE TO THE CHILDREN?!
I should probably look for a boyfriend or something but you know… I just won’t.
I’ve been getting lots of compliments lately. This never happens. And it makes me happy. (As happy as I can be, considering…)
I often think about the universe and how things play out in this… THING we call life. It’s weird.
I’m deathly afraid of death. lol. But seriously… It’s a paralyzing fear.
I’m pretty sure I have OCD
Nannies make bank here in NOVA and I wish I was a nanny..
My father doesn’t think I’m his child.
Music and nature are often the only two things that make me happy.

So! Recap! OR TL:DR— My life is a mess, I have no money, my parents are separating, I miss VCU and I miss friends, I have writer’s block, people tell me I’m pretty and I’m like OMG YAY!, AND I NEED A CAR, the universe is weird.

Next time I’ll write about things that might actually be interesting, I swear.

Photo

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 19:03:29 -0400

lankykong: oh fuck

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 20:20:44 -0400

lankykong:

oh fuck